News Ticker

From Cookie Clicker Wiki
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The news ticker.

The News Ticker is a visual, and further on in the game, a gameplay element, which displays messages about the player's current Cookie Clicker legacy, appearing at the top middle of the screen, in-between the Option, Stats, Info, and Legacy tabs. The News Ticker mainly displays news about the cookie production and how it has affected the economy, but some messages are completely unrelated. As the player continues to gain cookies in Cookie Clicker, different messages will appear. The message automatically changes every ten seconds on its own, and it can also be manually refreshed with a click. After purchasing the heavenly upgrade Fortune Cookies, there is a chance that an automatic message will be a clickable fortune.

Cookie Based

The following messages are based on the amount of cookies the player has earned (total). They progress in order, only showing the one that best fits the amount of total cookies the player has earned.

Cookies Message
<5 You feel like making cookies. But nobody wants to eat your cookies.
5 Your first batch goes in the trash. The neighborhood raccoon barely touches it.
50 Your family accepts to try some of your cookies.
100 Your cookies are popular in the neighborhood.
500 People are starting to talk about your cookies.
1 K Your cookies are talked about for miles around.
5 K Your cookies are renowned in the whole town!
10 K Your cookies bring all the boys to the yard.
50 K Your cookies now have their own website!
100 K Your cookies are worth a lot of money.
500 K Your cookies sell very well in distant countries.
1 M People come from very far away to get a taste of your cookies.
5 M Kings and queens from all over the world are enjoying your cookies.
10 M There are now museums dedicated to your cookies.
50 M A national day has been created in honor of your cookies.
100 M Your cookies have been named a part of the world wonders.
500 M History books now include a whole chapter about your cookies.
1 B Your cookies have been placed under government surveillance.
5 B The whole planet is enjoying your cookies!
10 B Strange creatures from neighboring planets wish to try your cookies.
50 B Elder gods from the whole cosmos have awoken to taste your cookies.
100 B Beings from other dimensions lapse into existence just to get a taste of your cookies.
500 B Your cookies have achieved sentience.
1 T The universe has now turned into cookie dough, to the molecular level.
5 T Your cookies are rewriting the fundamental laws of the universe.
10 T it's time to stop playing
100 T A local news station runs a 10-minute segment about your cookies. Success!
(you win a cookie)

Quotes and News Reports

Random quotes and news reports will appear at the top of the screen as the player gets more workers. Some include randomized elements, with [animal][note 1] as a commonly recurring one.

Requirement Message/Quote
1 Grandma "Moist cookies." -grandma
"We're nice grandmas." -grandma
"Indentured servitude." -grandma
"Come give grandma a kiss." -grandma
"Why don't you visit more often?" -grandma
"Call me..." -grandma
50 Grandmas "Absolutely disgusting." -grandma
"You make me sick." -grandma
"You disgust me." -grandma
"We rise." -grandma
"It begins." -grandma
"It'll all be over soon." -grandma
"You could have stopped it." -grandma
1 Farm News : cookie farms suspected of employing undeclared elderly workforce!
News : cookie farms release harmful chocolate in our rivers, says scientist!
News : genetically-modified chocolate controversy strikes cookie farmers!
News : free-range farm cookies popular with today's hip youth, says specialist.
News : farm cookies deemed unfit for vegans, says nutritionist.
1 Mine News : [between 2 and 1001, inclusive] miners dead in chocolate mine catastrophe!
News : [between 2 and 1001, inclusive] miners trapped in collapsed chocolate mine!
News : chocolate mines found to cause earthquakes and sink holes!
News : chocolate mine goes awry, floods village in chocolate!
News : depths of chocolate mines found to house "peculiar, chocolaty beings"!
News : is our planet getting lighter? Experts examine the results of intensive chocolate mining.
1 Factory News : cookie factories linked to global warming!
News : cookie factories involved in chocolate weather controversy!
News : cookie factories on strike, robotic minions employed to replace workforce!
News : cookie factories on strike - workers demand to stop being paid in cookies!
News : factory-made cookies linked to obesity, says study.
1 Bank News : cookie loans on the rise as people can no longer afford them with regular money.
News : cookies slowly creeping up their way as a competitor to traditional currency!
News : most bakeries now fitted with ATMs to allow for easy cookie withdrawals and deposits.
News : cookie economy now strong enough to allow for massive vaults doubling as swimming pools!
News : "Tomorrow's wealthiest people will be calculated by their worth in cookies", predict specialists.
1 Temple News : explorers bring back ancient artifact from abandoned temple; archeologists marvel at the centuries-old [property][note 2] [object][note 3]!
News : recently-discovered chocolate temples now sparking new cookie-related cult; thousands pray to Baker in the sky!
News : just how extensive is the cookie pantheon? Theologians speculate about possible [god/goddess] of [random][note 4].
News : theists of the world discover new cookie religion - "Oh boy, guess we were wrong all along!"
News : cookie heaven allegedly "sports elevator instead of stairway"; cookie hell "paved with flagstone, as good intentions make for poor building material".
1 Wizard tower News : all [random][note 5] turned into [random][note 5] in freak magic catastrophe!
News : heavy dissent rages between the schools of [random][note 6] magic and [random][note 6] magic!
News : get your new charms and curses at the yearly National Spellcrafting Fair! Exclusive prices on runes and spellbooks.
News : cookie wizards deny involvement in shockingly ugly newborn - infant is "honestly grody-looking, but natural", say doctors.
News : "Any sufficiently crude magic is indistinguishable from technology", claims renowned technowizard.'
1 Shipment News : new chocolate planet found, becomes target of cookie-trading spaceships!
News : massive chocolate planet found with 99.8% certified pure dark chocolate core!
News : space tourism booming as distant planets attract more bored millionaires!
News : chocolate-based organisms found on distant planet!
News : ancient baking artifacts found on distant planet; "terrifying implications", experts say.
1 Alchemy Lab News : national gold reserves dwindle as more and more of the precious mineral is turned to cookies!
News : chocolate jewelry found fashionable, gold and diamonds "just a fad", says specialist.
News : silver found to also be transmutable into white chocolate!
News : defective alchemy lab shut down, found to convert cookies to useless gold.
News : alchemy-made cookies shunned by purists!
1 Portal News : nation worried as more and more unsettling creatures emerge from dimensional portals!
News : dimensional portals involved in city-engulfing disaster!
News : tourism to cookieverse popular with bored teenagers! Casualty rate as high as 73%!
News : cookieverse portals suspected to cause fast aging and obsession with baking, says study.
News : "do not settle near portals," says specialist; "your children will become strange and corrupted inside."
1 Time Machine News : time machines involved in history-rewriting scandal! Or are they?
News : time machines used in unlawful time tourism!
News : cookies brought back from the past "unfit for human consumption", says historian.
News : various historical figures inexplicably replaced with talking lumps of dough!
News : "I have seen the future," says time machine operator, "and I do not wish to go there again."
1 Antimatter Condenser News : first antimatter condenser successfully turned on, doesn't rip apart reality!
News : "explain to me again why we need particle accelerators to bake cookies?" asks misguided local woman.
News : "unravelling the fabric of reality just makes these cookies so much tastier", claims scientist.
News : whole town seemingly swallowed by antimatter-induced black hole; more reliable sources affirm town "never really existed"!
News : researchers conclude that what the cookie industry needs, first and foremost, is "more magnets".
1 Prism News : new cookie-producing prisms linked to outbreak of rainbow-related viral videos.
News : scientists warn against systematically turning light into matter - "One day, we'll end up with all matter and no light!"
News : cookies now being baked at the literal speed of light thanks to new prismatic contraptions.
News : "Can't you sense the prism watching us?", rambles insane local man. "No idea what he's talking about", shrugs cookie magnate/government official.
News : world citizens advised "not to worry" about frequent atmospheric flashes.
1 Chancemaker News : million-to-one event sees gritty movie reboot turning out better than the original! "We have no idea how this happened", say movie execs.
News : strange statistical anomalies continue as weather forecast proves accurate an unprecedented 3 days in a row!
News : neighboring nation somehow elects president with sensible policies in freak accident of random chance!
News : all scratching tickets printed as winners, prompting national economy to crash and, against all odds, recover overnight.
News : local casino ruined as all gamblers somehow hit a week-long winning streak! "We might still be okay", says owner before being hit by lightning 47 times.
1 Fractal Engine News : local man "done with Cookie Clicker", finds the constant self-references "grating and on-the-nose".
News : local man sails around the world to find himself - right where he left it.
News : local guru claims "there's a little bit of ourselves in everyone", under investigation for alleged cannibalism.
News : news writer finds herself daydreaming about new career. Or at least a raise.
News : polls find idea of cookies made of cookies "acceptable" - "at least we finally know what's in them", says interviewed citizen.
1 Javascript console News : strange fad has parents giving their newborns names such as Emma.js or Liam.js. At least one Baby.js reported.
News : coding is hip! More and more teenagers turn to technical fields like programming, ensuring a future robot apocalypse and the doom of all mankind.
News : developers unsure what to call their new javascript libraries as all combinations of any 3 dictionary words have already been taken.
News : nation holds breath as nested ifs about to hatch.
News : clueless copywriter forgets to escape a quote, ends news line prematurely; last words reported to be "Huh, why isn
1 Idleverse News : is another you living out their dreams in an alternate universe? Probably, you lazy bum!
News : public recoils at the notion of a cosmos made of infinite idle games. "I kinda hoped there'd be more to it", says distraught citizen.
News : with an infinity of parallel universes, people turn to reassuring alternate dimensions, which only number "in the high 50s".
News : "I find solace in the knowledge that at least some of my alternate selves are probably doing fine out there", says citizen's last remaining exemplar in the multiverse.
News : comic book writers point to actual multiverse in defense of dubious plot points. "See? I told you it wasn't 'hackneyed and contrived'!"
1 Cortex Baker News : cortex baker wranglers kindly remind employees that cortex bakers are the bakery's material property and should not be endeared with nicknames.
News : are you smarter than a cortex baker? New game show deemed "unfair" by contestants.
News : runt cortex baker identified with an IQ of only quintuple digits: "just a bit of a dummy", say specialists.
News : astronomers warn of cortex baker trajectory drift, fear future head-on collisions resulting in costly concussion.
News : space-faring employees advised to ignore unusual thoughts and urges experienced within 2 parsecs of gigantic cortex bakers, say guidelines.
1 You News : the person of the year is, this year again, [Bakeryname]! How unexpected!
News : criminals caught sharing pirated copies of [Bakeryname]'s genome may be exposed to fines and up to 17 billion years prison, reminds constable.
News : could local restaurants be serving you bootleg [Bakeryname] clone meat? Our delicious investigation follows after tonight's news.
News : beloved cookie magnate [Bakeryname], erroneously reported as trampled to death by crazed fans, thankfully found to be escaped clone mistaken for original.
News : "Really, we're just looking for some basic societal acceptance and compassion", mumbles incoherent genetic freak [Bakeryname]-Clone #59014.
10 K Cookies News : cookies found to [random][note 7] in [animal][note 1]!
News : cookies found to make [animal][note 1] [random][note 8]!
News : cookies tested on [animal][note 1], found to have no ill effects.
News : cookies unexpectedly popular among [animal][note 1]!
News : unsightly lumps found on [animal][note 1] near cookie facility; "they've pretty much always looked like that", says biologist.
News : new species of [animal][note 1] discovered in distant country; "yup, tastes like cookies", says biologist."
News : "[random quote]"[note 9], reveals celebrity.
News : doctors [random][note 10]
News : cookies go well with [random][note 11] [animal][note 1], says controversial chef.
News : "do your cookies contain [animal][note 1]?", asks PSA warning against counterfeit cookies.
News : scientist predicts imminent cookie-related "end of the world"; becomes joke among peers.
News : man robs bank, buys cookies.
News : what makes cookies taste so right? "Probably all the [*****] they put in them", says anonymous tipper.
News : man found allergic to cookies; "what a weirdo", says family.
News : foreign politician involved in cookie-smuggling scandal.
News : cookies now more popular than [random][note 12], says study.
News : obesity epidemic strikes nation; experts blame[random] [note 13].
News : cookie shortage strikes town, people forced to eat cupcakes; "just not the same", concedes mayor.
News : "you gotta admit, all this cookie stuff is a bit ominous", says confused idiot.
News : movie cancelled from lack of actors; "everybody's at home eating cookies", laments director.
News : comedian forced to cancel cookie routine due to unrelated indigestion.
News : new cookie-based religion sweeps the nation.
News : fossil records show cookie-based organisms prevalent during Cambrian explosion, scientists say.
News : mysterious illegal cookies seized; "tastes terrible", says police.
News : man found dead after ingesting cookie; investigators favor "mafia snitch" hypothesis.
News : "the universe pretty much loops on itself," suggests researcher; "it's cookies all the way down."
News : minor cookie-related incident turns whole town to ashes; neighboring cities asked to chip in for reconstruction.
News : is our media controlled by the cookie industry? This could very well be the case, says crackpot conspiracy theorist.
News : cookies popular among all age groups, including fetuses, says study.;
News : cookie-flavored [random][note 14]
News : all-cookie restaurant opening downtown. Dishes such as braised cookies, cookie thermidor, and for dessert : crepes.
News : man dies in cookie-eating contest; "a less-than-impressive performance", says judge.
News : cookies could be the key to [random][note 15], says scientists.
News : "Ook", says interviewed orangutan.
News : flavor text [random][note 16], study finds.
News : what do golden cookies taste like? Study reveals a flavor "somewhere between spearmint and liquorice".
News : what do wrath cookies taste like? Study reveals a flavor "somewhere between blood sausage and seawater".
News : [Bakeryname]-brand cookies "[random][note 17] than competitors", says consumer survey.
News : "[Bakeryname]" set to be this year's most popular baby name.
News : new popularity survey says [Bakeryname]'s the word when it comes to cookies.
News : major city being renamed [Bakeryname]ville after world-famous cookie manufacturer.
News : [random][note 18] to be named after [Bakeryname], the world-famous cookie manufacturer.
News : don't miss tonight's biopic on [Bakeryname]'s irresistible rise to success!
News : don't miss tonight's interview of [Bakeryname] by [random][note 19]!
News : people all over the internet still scratching their heads over nonsensical reference : "Okay, but why an egg?"
News : viral video "Too Many Cookies" could be "a grim commentary on the impending crisis our world is about to face", says famous economist.
News : "memes from last year somehow still relevant", deplore experts.
News : cookie emoji most popular among teenagers, far ahead of "judgemental OK hand sign" and "shifty-looking dark moon", says study.
News : births of suspiciously bald babies on the rise; ancient alien cabal denies involvement.
News : "at this point, cookies permeate the economy", says economist. "If we start eating anything else, we're all dead."
News : pun in headline infuriates town, causes riot. 21 wounded, 5 dead; mayor still missing.
Nws : ky btwn W and R brokn, plas snd nw typwritr ASAP.
Neeeeews : "neeeew EEEEEE keeeeey working fineeeeeeeee", reeeports gleeeeeeeeful journalist.
News : cookies now illegal in some backwards country nobody cares about. Political tensions rising; war soon, hopefully.
News : irate radio host rambles about pixelated icons. "None of the cookies are aligned! Can't anyone else see it? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
News : nation cheers as legislators finally outlaw [random][note 20]!
News : "average person bakes [Cookies Baked this Ascension/7.3 Billion] cookies a year" factoid actually just statistical error; [Bakeryname], who has produced [Cookies Baked this Ascension] cookies in their lifetime, is an outlier and should not have been counted.
News : overgrown cookies found in fishing nets, raise questions about hormone baking.
News : [man/woman] wakes up from coma, [random][note 21].
News : is there life on Mars? Various chocolate bar manufacturers currently under investigation for bacterial contaminants.
News : "so I guess that's a thing now", scientist comments on cookie particles now present in virtually all steel manufactured since cookie production ramped up worldwide.
News : trace amounts of cookie particles detected in most living creatures, some of which adapting them as part of new and exotic metabolic processes.

Random Chance Based

These are headlines that are ranked as rare. The first three are references to the Grandmapocalypse and taken word for word from the prank calls in The Sims, while the other three are random phrases, unrelated to cookies.

Chance Message
~0.1% You have been chosen. They will come soon.
They're coming soon. Maybe you should think twice about opening the door
The end is near. Make preparations.
News : broccoli tops for moms, last for kids; dads indifferent.
News : middle age a hoax, declares study; turns out to be bad posture after all.
News : kitties want answers in possible Kitty Kibble shortage.

Grandmapocalypse Based

With the (re)addition of the Grandmapocalypse in version 1.03, there was also a few new relevant quotes and news reports.

Grandmatriarch status Message/Quote
Appeased (after


Elder Pledge

or Covenant)

"shrivel" -grandma
"writhe" -grandma
"throb" -grandma
"gnaw" -grandma
"We will rise again." -grandma
"A mere setback." -grandma
"We are not satiated." -grandma
"Too late." -grandma
Awoken News : millions of old ladies reported missing!
News : doctors swarmed by cases of old women with glassy eyes and a foamy mouth!
News : families around the continent report agitated, transfixed grandmothers!
News : processions of old ladies sighted around cookie facilities!
News : nurses report "strange scent of cookie dough" around elderly patients!
Displeased News : whole continent undergoing mass exodus of old ladies!
News : sightings of old ladies with glowing eyes terrify local population!
News : towns in disarray as strange old ladies break into homes to steal infants and baking utensils!
News : retirement homes report "female residents slowly congealing in their seats!"
News : old women freeze in place in streets, ooze warm sugary syrup!
Angered News : wrinkled "flesh tendrils" visible from space!
News : remains of "old ladies" found frozen in the middle of growing fleshy structures!
News : large "flesh highways" scar continent, stretch between various cookie facilities!
News : all hope lost as writhing mass of flesh and dough engulfs whole city!
News : nightmare continues as wrinkled acres of flesh expand at alarming speeds!

Upgrade Based

These messages appear once the player has bought certain upgrades.

Upgrade Message/Quote
Kitten helpers News : faint meowing heard around local cookie facilities; suggests new ingredient being tested.
Kitten workers News : Crowds of meowing kittens with little hard hats reported near local cookie facilities.
Kitten engineers News : surroundings of local cookie facilities now overrun with kittens in adorable little suits. Authorities advise to stay away from the premises.
Kitten overseers News : locals report troupes of bossy kittens meowing adorable orders at passersby.
Kitten managers News : local office cubicles invaded with armies of stern-looking kittens asking employees "what's happening, meow".
Kitten accountants News : tiny felines show sudden and amazing proficiency with fuzzy mathematics and pawlinomials, baffling scientists and pet store owners.
Kitten specialists News : new kitten college opening next week, offers courses on cookie-making and catnip studies.
Kitten experts News : unemployment rates soaring as woefully adorable little cats nab jobs on all levels of expertise, says study.
Kitten consultants News : "In the future, your job will most likely be done by a cat", predicts suspiciously furry futurologist.
Kitten assistants to the regional manager News : strange kittens with peculiar opinions on martial arts spotted loitering on local beet farms!
Kitten marketeers News : nonsensical billboards crop up all over countryside, trying to sell people the cookies they already get for free!
Kitten analysts News : are your spending habits sensible? For a hefty fee, these analysts will tell you!
Kitten angels News : "Try to ignore any ghostly felines that may be purring inside your ears," warn scientists. "They'll just lure you into making poor life choices."
Kitten Wages News : kittens break glass ceiling! Do they have any idea how expensive those are!
Serendipity News : local cookie manufacturer becomes luckiest being alive!
Season switcher News : seasons are all out of whack! "We need to get some whack back into them seasons", says local resident.

Achievement Based

There are also some messages that are unlocked once the player gains certain Achievements.

Achievement Message/Quote
Just wrong News : cookie manufacturer downsizes, sells own grandmother!
"It thought we would go away by selling us. How quaint." - grandma
"It tried to get rid of us, the nasty little thing." -grandma
"It has betrayed us, the filthy little thing." -grandma
"I can smell your rotten cookies" -grandma
Base 10 News : cookie manufacturer completely forgoes common sense, lets strange obsession with round numbers drive building decisions!
From scratch News : follow the tear-jerking, riches-to-rags story about a local cookie manufacturer who decided to give it all up!
A world filled with cookies News : known universe now jammed with cookies! No vacancies!
Dude, sweet News : major sugar-smuggling ring dismantled by authorities; [between 3 and 33] tons of sugar lumps seized, [between 2 and 50] suspects apprehended.
News : authorities warn tourists not to buy bootleg sugar lumps from street peddlers - "You think you're getting a sweet deal, but what you're being sold is really just ordinary cocaine", says agent.
News : pro-diabetes movement protests against sugar-shaming. "I've eaten nothing but sugar lumps for the past [between 4 and 14] years and I'm feeling great!", says woman with friable skin.
News : experts in bitter disagreement over whether sugar consumption turns children sluggish or hyperactive.
News : fishermen deplore upturn in fish tooth decay as sugar lumps-hauling cargo sinks into the ocean.
News : rare black sugar lump that captivated millions in unprecedented auction revealed to be common toxic fungus.
News : "Back in my day, sugar lumps were these little cubes you'd put in your tea, not those fist-sized monstrosities people eat for lunch", whines curmudgeon with failing memory.
News : sugar lump-snacking fad sweeps the nation; dentists everywhere rejoice.
Last chance to see News : incredibly rare albino wrinkler on the brink of extinction poached by cookie-crazed pastry magnate!
Jellicles News : local kittens involved in misguided musical production, leave audience perturbed and unnerved.

Season Based

These messages are only displayed when the season is in place. Most can only be activated via use of the Season Switcher upgrade. If the season is already active, at least 1,000 cookies need to be obtained for the corresponding messages to appear.

Season Message/Quote
Halloween News : strange twisting creatures amass around cookie factories, nibble at assembly lines.
News : ominous wrinkly monsters take massive bites out of cookie production; "this can't be hygienic", worries worker.
News : pagan rituals on the rise as children around the world dress up in strange costumes and blackmail homeowners for candy.
News : new-age terrorism strikes suburbs as houses find themselves covered in eggs and toilet paper.
News : children around the world "lost and confused" as any and all Halloween treats have been replaced by cookies.
Christmas News : bearded maniac spotted speeding on flying sleigh! Investigation pending.
News : Santa Claus announces new brand of breakfast treats to compete with cookie-flavored cereals! "They're ho-ho-horrible!" says Santa.
News : obese jolly lunatic still on the loose, warn officials. "Keep your kids safe and board up your chimneys. We mean it."
News : "You mean he just gives stuff away for free?!", concerned moms ask. "Personally, I don't trust his beard."
News : children shocked as they discover Santa Claus isn't just their dad in a costume after all! "I'm reassessing my life right now", confides Laura, aged 6.
News : mysterious festive entity with quantum powers still wrecking havoc with army of reindeer, officials say.
News : elves on strike at toy factory! "We will not be accepting reindeer chow as payment anymore. And stop calling us elves!"
News : elves protest around the nation; wee little folks in silly little outfits spread mayhem, destruction; rabid reindeer running rampant through streets.
News : scholars debate regarding the plural of reindeer(s) in the midst of elven world war.
News : elves "unrelated to gnomes despite small stature and merry disposition", find scientists.
News : elves sabotage radioactive frosting factory, turn hundreds blind in vicinity - "Who in their right mind would do such a thing?" laments outraged mayor.
News : drama unfolds at North Pole as rumors crop up around Rudolph's red nose; "I may have an addiction or two", admits reindeer.
Valentine's Day News : organ-shaped confectioneries being traded in schools all over the world; gruesome practice undergoing investigation.
News : heart-shaped candies overtaking sweets business, offering competition to cookie empire. "It's the economy, cupid!"
News : love's in the air, according to weather specialists. Face masks now offered in every city to stunt airborne infection.
News : marrying a cookie - deranged practice, or glimpse of the future?
News : boyfriend dumped after offering his lover cookies for Valentine's Day, reports say. "They were off-brand", shrugs ex-girlfriend.
News : mysterious rabbits found to be egg-laying, but warm-blooded, hinting at possible platypus ancestry.
News : long-eared mammals invade suburbs, spread terror and cookies!
News : eggs appearing in the most mysterious places; "No place is safe," warn experts.
News : egg-laying rabbits "not quite from this dimension," warns biologist; advises against petting, feeding, or cooking the creatures.

Business Day

The Business Day season has its own cookie based and building based messages.

Cookies Message
0 Such a grand day to begin a new business.
5 You're baking up a storm!
50 You are confident that one day, your cookie company will be the greatest on the market!
100 Business is picking up!
1 K You're making sales left and right!
5 K Everyone wants to buy your cookies!
20 K You are now spending most of your day signing contracts!
50 K You've been elected "business tycoon of the year"!
500 K Your cookies are a worldwide sensation! Well done, old chap!
1 M Your brand has made its way into popular culture. Children recite your slogans and adults reminisce them fondly!
5 M A business day like any other. It's good to be at the top!
1 B You look back at your career. It's been a fascinating journey, building your baking empire from the ground up.
Requirement Message/Quote
1 Rolling pin (Cursor) Your rolling pins are rolling and pinning!
Production is steady!
1 Oven (Grandma) Your ovens are diligently baking more and more cookies.
Your ovens burn a whole batch. Ah well! Still good.
1 Kitchen (Farm) Scores of cookies come out of your kitchens.
Today, new recruits are joining your kitchens!
1 Factory Your factories are producing an unending stream of baked goods.
Your factory workers decide to go on strike!
It's safety inspection day in your factories.
1 Secret recipe (Mine) Your secret recipes are kept safely inside a giant underground vault.
Your chefs are working on new secret recipes!
1 Supermarket (Shipment) Your supermarkets are bustling with happy, hungry customers.
Your supermarkets are full of cookie merch!
1 Stock share (Alchemy Lab) It's a new trading day at the stock exchange, and traders can't get enough of your shares!
Your stock is doubling in value by the minute!
1 TV show (Portal) You just released a new TV show episode!
Your cookie-themed TV show is being adapted into a new movie!
1 Theme park (Time Machine) Your theme parks are doing well - puddles of vomit and roller-coaster casualties are being swept under the rug!
Visitors are stuffing themselves with cookies before riding your roller-coasters. You might want to hire more clean-up crews.
1 Cookiecoin (Antimatter Condenser) Cookiecoin is officially the most mined digital currency in the history of mankind!
Cookiecoin piracy is rampant!
1 Corporate country (Prism) Your corporate nations just gained a new parliament!
You've just annexed a new nation!
A new nation joins the grand cookie conglomerate!
1 Privatized planet (Chancemaker) Your intergalactic federation of cookie-sponsored planets reports record-breaking profits!
Billions of unwashed aliens are pleased to join your workforce as you annex their planet!
New toll opened on interstellar highway, funnelling more profits into the cookie economy!
1 Senate seat (Fractal engine) Your cookie-based political party is doing fantastic in the polls!
New pro-cookie law passes without a hitch thanks to your firm grasp of the political ecosystem!
Your appointed senators are overturning cookie bans left and right!
1 Doctrine (Javascript console) Cookies are now one of the defining aspects of mankind! Congratulations!
Time travelers report that this era will later come to be known, thanks to you, as the cookie millennium!
Cookies now deeply rooted in human culture, likely puzzling future historians!
1 Lateral expansions (Idleverse) Public aghast as all remaining aspects of their lives overtaken by universal cookie industry!
Every single product currently sold in the observable universe can be traced back to your company! And that's a good thing.
Antitrust laws let out a helpless whimper before being engulfed by your sprawling empire!
1 Think tank (Cortex Baker) Bold new law proposal would grant default ownership of every new idea by anyone anywhere to [Bakeryname]'s bakery!
Bakery think tanks accidentally reinvent cookies for the 57th time this week!
Bakery think tanks invent entire new form of human communication to advertise and boost cookie sales!
1 You [Bakeryname] releases new self-help book: "How I Made My [Number of Cookies Baked] Cookies And How You Can Too"!
Don't miss our interview tonight with the stupefying [Bakeryname], who discusses where to go next once you're at the top!
Fame, beauty, biscuits; [Bakeryname] has it all - but is it enough?
1 K Cookies Your office chair is really comfortable.
Business meetings are such a joy!
You've spent the whole day [random][note 22]!
The word of the day is : [random][note 23].
Profit's in the air!
If you could get some more cookies baked, that'd be great.
So. About those TPS reports.
Hmm, you've got some video tapes to return.
They'll pay. They'll all pay.
You haven't even begun to peak.
There is an idea of a [Game.bakeryName]. Some kind of abstraction. But there is no real you, only an entity. Something illusory.
This was a terrible idea!

User Interface Based

This message is activated via interaction with the UI itself, including the game window.

Requirement Message
Window collapsed horizontally until news ticker is a square shape or thinner News : help!

Random Elements

  1. 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 1.7 1.8 newts, penguins, scorpions, axolotls, puffins, porpoises, blowfish, horses, crayfish, slugs, humpback whales, nurse sharks, giant squids, polar bears, fruit bats, frogs, sea squirts, velvet worms, mole rats, paramecia, nematodes, tardigrades, giraffes, monkfish, wolfmen, goblins, hippies
  2. magic, carved, engraved, sculpted, royal, imperial, mummified, ritual, golden, silver, stone, cursed, plastic, bone, blood, holy, sacred, sacrificial, electronic, singing, tapdancing
  3. spoon, fork, pizza, washing machine, calculator, hat, piano, napkin, skeleton, gown, dagger, sword, shield, skull, emerald, bathtub, mask, rollerskates, litterbox, bait box, cube, sphere, fungus
  4. newts, penguins, scorpions, axolotls, puffins, porpoises, blowfish, horses, crayfish, slugs, humpback whales, nurse sharks, giant squids, polar bears, fruit bats, frogs, sea squirts, velvet worms, mole rats, paramecia, nematodes, tardigrades, giraffes, monkfish, wolfmen, goblins, hippies, kazoos, web design, web browsers, kittens, atheism, handbrakes, hats, aglets, elevator music, idle games, the letter "P", memes, hamburgers, bad puns, kerning, stand-up comedy, failed burglary attempts, clickbait, one weird tricks
  5. 5.0 5.1 [animal (see note 1)], public restrooms, clouds, politicians, moustaches, hats, shoes, pants, clowns, encyclopedias, websites, potted plants, lemons, household items, bodily fluids, cutlery, national landmarks, yogurt, rap music, underwear
  6. 6.0 6.1 water, fire, earth, air, lightning, acid, song, battle, peace, pencil, internet, space, time, brain, nature, techno, plant, bug, ice, poison, crab, kitten, dolphin, bird, punch, fart
  7. increase lifespan, sensibly increase intelligence, reverse aging, decrease hair loss, prevent arthritis, cure blindness
  8. more docile, more handsome, nicer, less hungry, more pragmatic, tastier
  9. "I'm all about cookies"; "I just can't stop eating cookies. I think I seriously need help"; "I guess I have a cookie problem"; "I'm not addicted to cookies. That's just speculation by fans with too much free time"; "my upcoming album contains 3 songs about cookies"; "I've had dreams about cookies 3 nights in a row now. I'm a bit worried honestly"; "accusations of cookie abuse are only vile slander"; "cookies really helped me when I was feeling low"; "cookies are the secret behind my perfect skin"; "cookies helped me stay sane while filming my upcoming movie"; "cookies helped me stay thin and healthy"; "I'll say one word, just one : cookies"; "alright, I'll say it - I've never eaten a single cookie in my life"
  10. recommend twice-daily consumption of fresh cookies.; warn against chocolate chip-snorting teen fad.; advise against new cookie-free fad diet.; warn mothers about the dangers of "home-made cookies."
  11. roasted, toasted, boiled, sauteed, minced, sushi made of, soup made of, carpaccio made of, steak made of, nuggets made of
  12. cough drops, broccoli, smoked herring, cheese, video games, stable jobs, relationships, time travel, cat videos, tango, fashion, television, nuclear warfare, whatever it is we ate before, politics, oxygen, lamps
  13. twerking, that darn rap music, video-games, lack of cookies, mysterious ghostly entities, aliens, parents, schools, comic-books, cookie-snorting fad
  14. popcorn pretty *** popular; "we kinda expected that", say scientists.; cereals break all known cereal-related records; popcorn sales exploded during screening of Grandmothers II : The Moistening.
  15. eternal life, infinite riches, eternal youth, eternal beauty, curing baldness, world peace, solving world hunger, ending all wars world-wide, making contact with extraterrestrial life, mind-reading, better living, better eating, more interesting TV shows, faster-than-light travel, quantum baking, chocolaty goodness, gooder thoughtness
  16. not particularly flavorful, kind of unsavory, "rather bland", pretty spicy lately
  17. much less soggy, much tastier, relatively less crappy, marginally less awful, less toxic, possibly more edible, more fashionable, slightly nicer, trendier, arguably healthier, objectively better choice, slightly less terrible, decidedly cookier, a tad cheaper
  18. street, school, nursing home, stadium, new fast food chain, new planet, new disease, flesh-eating virus, deadly bacteria, new species of [animal (see note 1)], new law, baby, programming language
  19. Bloprah, Blavid Bletterman, Blimmy Blimmel, Blellen Blegeneres, Blimmy Blallon, Blonan Blo'Brien, Blay Bleno, Blon Blewart, Bleven Blolbert, Lord Toxikhron of dimension 7-B19, [Bakeryname]'s own evil clone
  20. cookie criticism, playing other games than Cookie Clicker, pineapple on pizza, lack of cheerfulness, mosquitoes, broccoli, the human spleen, bad weather, clickbait, dabbing, the internet, memes, millenials
  21. asks for cookies, regrets it instantly, wonders 'why everything is cookies now', babbles incoherently about some supposed non-cookie food we used to eat, cites cookies as main motivator, tries cookie for the first time, dies
  22. signing contracts, filling out forms, touching base with the team, examining exciting new prospects, playing with your desk toys, getting new nameplates done, attending seminars, videoconferencing, hiring dynamic young executives, meeting new investors, playing minigolf in your office
  23. viral; search engine optimization; blags and wobsites; social networks; web 3.0; logistics; leveraging; branding; proactive; synergizing; market research; demographics; pie charts; blogular; blogulacious; blogastic; authenticity; electronic mail; cellular phones; rap music; cookies, I guess


After purchasing the heavenly upgrade Fortune cookies, the news ticker has a 2% chance of telling a fortune (4% with the O Fortuna achievement). Fortunes only appear when cycling naturally; cycling the news ticker by clicking never results in a fortune. Fortunes are easily identified by the fortune cookies icon and green text.

There are 27 possible fortunes; 25 upgrades and 2 bonuses. When a fortune would appear, a random fortune is selected from a pool, excluding already unlocked upgrades and already triggered bonuses. This means each fortune will keep appearing until it is unlocked/triggered in that ascension. If O Fortuna is owned, each unlocked upgrade has a 40% chance of carrying over in the store when ascending.

Fortune Upgrades

Fortune upgrades
Icon Name Unlock condition Base price Description ID
Fortune cursor.png Fortune #001 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 1.167 nonillion Cursors are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Fingers are not the only thing you can count on."
Fortune grandma.png Fortune #002 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 7.778 nonillion Grandmas are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"A wrinkle is a crack in a mundane facade."
Fortune farm.png Fortune #003 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 85.556 nonillion Farms are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"The seeds of tomorrow already lie within the seeds of today."
Fortune mine.png Fortune #004 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 933,333 nonillion Mines are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Riches from deep under elevate you all the same."
Fortune factory.png Fortune #005 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 10.111 decillion Factories are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"True worth is not in what you find, but in what you make."
Fortune bank.png Fortune #006 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 108.889 decillion Banks are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"The value of money means nothing to a pocket."
Fortune temple.png Fortune #007 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 1.556 undecillion Temples are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Not all guides deserve worship."
Fortune wizard tower.png Fortune #008 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 25.667 undecillion Wizard towers are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Magic is about two things - showmanship, and rabbits."
Fortune shipment.png Fortune #009 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 396.667 undecillion Shipments are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Every mile travelled expands the mind by just as much."
Fortune alchemy lab.png Fortune #010 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 5.833 duodecillion Alchemy labs are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Change what you cannot accept. Furthermore: accept nothing."
Fortune portal.png Fortune #011 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 77.778 duodecillion Portals are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Every doorway is a gamble. Tread with care."
Fortune time machine.png Fortune #012 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 1.089 tredecillion Time machines are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Do your future self a favor; they'll thank you for it."
Fortune antimatter condenser.png Fortune #013 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 13.222 tredecillion Antimatter condensers are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"The world is made of what we put into it."
Fortune prism.png Fortune #014 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 163.333 tredecillion Prisms are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Staring at a dazzling light can blind you back to darkness."
Fortune chancemaker.png Fortune #015 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 2.022 quattuordecillion Chancemakers are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"Don't leave to blind chance what you could accomplish with deaf skill."
Fortune fractal engine.png Fortune #016 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 24.111 quattuordecillion Fractal engines are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"It's good to see yourself in others. Remember to see yourself in yourself, too."
Fortune javascript console.png Fortune #017 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 5.522 quindecillion Javascript consoles are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"If things aren't working out for you, rewrite the rules."
Fortune idleverse.png Fortune #018 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 933.333 quindecillion Idleverses are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"There's plenty of everyone, but only one of you."
Fortune cortex baker.png Fortune #019 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 147.778 sexdecillion Cortex bakers are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"The smartest way to think is not to think at all."
Fortune you.png Fortune #020 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 42 septendecillion You are 7% more efficient and 7% cheaper.
"No matter how hard you try, you're never truly alone."
Fortune! cookie.png Fortune #100 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 86,400 x CpS
(Max: 7.778 decillion)
Upgrades and buildings cost -1%; you gain +1% CpS.
"True wealth is counted in gifts."
Fortune! cookie.png Fortune #101 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 86,400 x CpS
(Max: 7.778 undecillion)
You gain +7% CpS.
"Some people dream of fortunes; others dream of cookies."
Fortune! cookie.png Fortune #102 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 86,400 x CpS
(Max: 7.778 duodecillion)
You gain another +1% of your regular CpS while the game is closed. (Must own the Twin Gates of Transcendence upgrade.)
"Help, I'm trapped in a browser game!"
Fortune kitten.png Fortune #103 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 86,400 x CpS
(Max: 7.778 tredecillion)
You gain more CpS the more milk you have.[note 1]
"Don't believe the superstitions; all cats are good luck."
Fortune mouse.png Fortune #104 Random fortune from news ticker Money.png 86,400 x CpS
(Max: 7.778 duodecillion)
Clicking gains +1% of your CpS.
"Remember to stay in touch."
  1. Milk factor: 0.05

Fortune Messages

Messages appearing in the news ticker itself. Note that the in-game text is green, making it easier to distinguish from normal news ticker messages.

Fortune Type Message
Fortune upgrade Fortune cookies.png #XXX : [matching flavor text]
Golden Cookie bonus Fortune cookies.png Today is your lucky day!
1-hour CpS bonus
(capped at double your bank)
Fortune cookies.png Your Lucky numbers are XX XX XX XX


When clicking a fortune, the respective notification will appear.

Icon Header Notification Text
[note 1]
Fortune #XXX You've unlocked a new upgrade.
Fortune! cookie.png Fortune! A golden cookie has appeared.
Fortune! cookie.png Fortune! You gain one hour of your CpS
(capped at double your bank).
  1. Upgrade icon matching the designated fortune number.

News Ticker Achievements

Icon Name Description ID
Newspaper.png Tabloid addiction Click on the news ticker 50 times.
"Page 6: Mad individual clicks on picture of pastry in a futile attempt to escape boredom!
Also page 6: British parliament ate my baby!"
Newspaper.png Stifling the press [note 1] Squish the news ticker flat, then click on it.
"Narrow in here or is it just me?"
Fortune cookies.png O Fortuna Own every fortune upgrade.
Owning this achievement makes fortunes appear twice as often; unlocked fortune upgrades also have a 40% chance to carry over after ascending.
  1. You can get the "Stifling the press" achievement by re-sizing the browser window horizontally until it only displays "News: help!", then clicking on it.

Pre-1.3 Titles

Titles in Cookie Clicker Classic
  • 0 Cookies: "You feel like making cookies. But nobody wants to eat your cookies."
  • 5 Cookies: "Your cookies are popular with your dog."
  • 25 Cookies: "Your cookies are popular with your family."
  • 50 Cookies: "Your cookies are popular in the neighborhood."
  • 100 Cookies: "Your cookies are renowned in the whole town!"
  • 500 Cookies: "Your cookies are worth a lot of money."
  • 2,000 Cookies: "Your cookies bring all the boys to the yard."
  • 5,000 Cookies: "People come from very far away to get a taste of your cookies."
  • 10,000: "Kings and queens from all over the world are enjoying your cookies."
  • 17,000: "Your cookies have been named a part of the world wonders."
  • 30,000: "Your cookies have been placed under government surveillance."
  • 60,000: "The whole planet is enjoying your cookies!"
  • 100,000: "Creatures from neighboring planets wish to try your cookies."
  • 150,000 - "Elder gods from the whole cosmos have awoken to taste your cookies."
  • 250,000: "Your cookies have achieved sentience."
  • 400,000: "The Universe has now turned into cookie dough, to the molecular level."
  • 1,000,000: "A local news station runs a 10-minute segment about your cookies. Success!"(you win a cookie)
  • 1,000,000,000: "it's time to stop playing"


The quote "Your cookies are popular with your dog." could have been removed due to cookies having chocolate in them, which is poisonous for dogs.

The following two quotes were added in reference to the COVID-19 pandemic but were later removed. In the code, Orteil comments as to why he removed these lines: "these were written back when covid hadn't really done much damage yet but they just feel in poor taste now".

  • "News : scientists advise getting used to cookies suffusing every aspect of life; 'this is the new normal', expert says."
  • "News : doctors advise against wearing face masks when going outside. 'You never know when you might need a cookie... a mask would just get in the way.' "


  • Orteil accidentally wrote 'reindeer' when he meant to write 'reindeers' at the release of the Christmas Update, hence the quote, "scholars debate regarding the plural of reindeer(s) in the midst of elven world war."
  • The quotes " 'I have seen the future,' says time machine operator, 'and I do not wish to go there again.' " and "scientist predicts imminent cookie-related 'end of the world' " may refer to the Grandmapocalypse.
  • The quote "Strange twisting creatures amass around cookie factories, nibble at assembly lines" and "Ominous wrinkly monsters take massive bites out of cookie production; 'This can't be hygienic', worries worker" are references to the Wrinklers that spawn during the Grandmapocalypse.
  • Despite having a unique appearance on Business Day, Banks (Investments), Temples (Likes) and Wizard towers (Memes) do not give a news ticker message on Business Day in v2.0.
  • During Business Day season the Messages associated with the Cursor (Rolling Pin) only appear if the player owns more than one Grandma (Oven) because of a programming error.
  • The quote "People all over the internet still scratching their heads over nonsensical reference : 'Okay, but why an egg?' " may be a reference to the " 'egg' " upgrade found during Easter.
  • The random nature of some headline templates allows for ridiculous headlines such as "News : all crayfish turned into crayfish in freak magic catastrophe!"
  • The "[*****]" in " 'News : what makes cookies taste so right? "Probably all the [*****] they put in them", says anonymous tipper' " may be "sugar".
  • Sometimes, it is possible to get a headline that says, simply, "undefined". This can also occur if a corrupted/modified save file is imported.


  • The quote "do not settle near portals, your children could become corrupted inside" could be a reference to the warp in Warhammer 40,000, where the beings of chaos live in portals and cause insanity and other ill effects.
  • The message "pun in headline infuriates town, causes riot. 21 wounded, 5 dead; mayor still missing." likely refers to the message "minor cookie-related incident turns whole town to ashes; neighboring cities asked to chip in for reconstruction."
  • The message "Cookie factories involved in chocolate weather controversy!" could be a reference to the Tay Zonday hit "Chocolate Rain".
  • The quotes "If you could get some more cookies baked, that'd be great" and "So. About those TPS reports" are both references to the movie Office Space.
  • The quote "Your cookies bring all the boys to the yard." is a reference to the song "Milkshake" by Kelis.
  • Both quotes regarding the Business Day theme parks are references to the Rollercoaster Tycoon series.
  • The quote "News : strange kittens with peculiar opinions on martial arts spotted loitering on local beet farms!" is a reference to the character Dwight Schrute from the TV series "The Office".
  • The quote "It's cookies all the way down!" is a reference to the popular saying "It's turtles all the way down!", possibly originating from Bertrand Russell attempting to convince an old woman that the world is not balanced on top of an infinite regression of turtles.
  • The phrase: " 'Can't you sense the prism watching us?', rambles insane local man. 'No idea what he's talking about', shrugs cookie magnate/government official." is possibly a reference to the PRISM surveillance program.
  • The quote "News : drama unfolds at North Pole as rumors crop up around Rudolph's red nose; 'I may have an addiction or two', admits reindeer," is a reference to snorting cocaine or heroin.
  • The headline template where the player's bakery name is interviewed by someone can have the host/hostess name be based off an actual host (i.e. David Letterman) but with the first letter of their first name and surname (if there is one) being replaced with or coming after the letters "Bl". This naming scheme of these randomized hosts names may be a reference to the YouTube video "BLONIC" made by Joe Gran.
  • The message " 'Ook', says interviewed orangutan." could be a reference to the Librarian in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. The Librarian was a human wizard turned into an orangutan due to a magical accident. He enjoyed his new form so much that he refused to let the other wizards turn him back. Although he could only say "Ook", a number of people claimed to understand him perfectly by the way he said it.
  • In the "Word of the day" section, "blags" and "wobsites" may be a reference to this webcomic.
  • The "average person bakes [Cookies Baked this Ascension/7.3 Billion] cookies a year." ticker is a reference to the popular meme "Spiders Georg".
  • The rare headlines reading "You have been chosen. They will come soon," "They're coming soon. Maybe you should think twice about opening the door," and "The end is near. Make preparations," are all based off of prank calls you can get in the first The Sims game.
    • In the code for the same rare headlines, where the 0.1% chance is located, there is a note that reads "apologies to Will Wright". Will Wright designed the original The Sims game, where half these headlines are from.
  • The message "nation cheers as legislators finally outlaw memes!" is likely a reference to the European Union's Article 13 (later renumbered Article 17) which would effectively ban many memes.
  • The message "News : viral video 'Too Many Cookies' could be 'a grim commentary on the impending crisis our world is about to face', says famous economist," might be a reference to the Adult Swim dark comedy special Too Many Cooks.
  • The news item about cookie particles being found in steel is a reference to how modern steel is contaminated with radionuclides due to the increase in background radiation caused by nuclear weapon tests.
  • The news item '"Any sufficiently crude magic is indistinguishable from technology", claims renowned technowizard.' is a reference to Arthur C Clarke's third law 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic'.